Attitude to Kick Start a Badass New Year

This year I'm pretty damn happy with my achievements and charged up to take on new ones for the coming year. It wasn't a piece of cake though, that's for sure. To get through the challenges, I talked to myself. A lot. I wanted to share with you some of the "lectures" I gave myself.

• You are responsible for your feelings. Nobody can "make" you feel something. Take control of how you respond to things. Allowing others to dictate your moods is just an excuse to wallow in your misery.
• Stop expecting so much from a relationship. More often than not people project ideals, impose restrictions and obligations that end up creating bitterness and resentment. Drop all that bullshit. When you find a connection with someone, simply enjoy it. Don't force it into some preconceived ideal. Love the person for who he/she is, stay right there in the moment and revel in the magic of human chemistry. Let it last for as long as it naturally will. Welcoming this type of freedom fosters happiness and attracts those who compliment you.
• Choose to be happy. Life will always have struggles. You can accept your situation or change it. Either way, stop bitching about it. Boldly go after what you want. Be relentless and direct in the pursuit of your goals. Have the balls to admit to yourself when you are making excuses, then stop making them.

Victims give up control of their feelings, the realization of their dreams, and the ability to be happy. This new year's, resolve to look yourself in the mirror and ask if you're choosing to be a victim. I bet you'll see opportunities where you never imagined.

I Am a CUNT

cunt, cunt, cunt. Such an ornery word and it pisses off many people. I love it. Not because I'm an obnoxious brat, but because it is so powerful. Besides, its shock value provides plenty of entertainment.

As with any word, the power lies not within the word itself, but within the meaning behind the word and how it is delivered, interpreted and analyzed. Beautifully malleable. To take offense to being called a cunt is to take ownership of the negativity ascribed by the person uttering the word. Who has the power here? Obviously not you if you're taking offense. You are handing that power to the asshole who just called you a cunt.

Now...what if, hear me out, you took that word and owned it? Turned it around and gave it a positive context? Ha! Yeah right. "Cunt" is often deemed the most offensive word. Ever. How the fuck can it have anything positive behind it? Well, some personal history is necessary to effectively explain this.

I was raised in domestic abuse. I learned from day one to fear standing up for myself. As an adult, I followed suit and spent three years in an abusive relationship. That man was so far in my head that I was afraid to even think. I was mentally paralyzed and completely miserable. He called me a cunt and various other insults on a regular basis, which just happened to be anytime I did something he did not like. Anytime I stood up for myself, I was called a cunt. After hearing it enough times, I grew numb to the insults. Then I reveled in the ability to piss him off. Eventually I associated that word with being courageous, unapologetic and transcendent. It empowered me rather than offended me. I fucking owned that label.

Stating the obvious, I left him. Leaving is the easy part. The real strength comes in when you have to deal with the demons...their claws digging into you in the form of various mental triggers. You have to extract those claws, or resign yourself to a life as a victim. Yeah, I wasn't going for option number two. I channeled that "cunt" label and used it to take down any challenges that I created for myself. I started by taking my ex to court for custody of our son. I had the court order him to take a psych eval. Hell, I even subpoenaed his parents. I walked away from my house to get out of a shitty mortgage, and I went after a corporate job even though I'm covered in tattoos. Of course the anxiety was nearly crippling, because I was contradicting what I had known for so long. You know what? The world didn't fall apart. In fact, I came out on top in every single situation.

Regardless of previous experience with a word, person, place or whatever, it can't negatively affect you unless you let it. So take what life throws at you and turn it into something powerful. Even if you have to be a cunt. This doesn't mean stepping on people to get to the top. It means refusing to allow anyone, most importantly yourself, keep you in a situation that compromises your happiness. Courageous. Unapologetic. Transcendent.

My Thank You to an Awesome Veteran

When my ex-husband, Billy, and I split up 13 years ago, I never imagined I would have this type of relationship with an ex. This is my thank you to him as a vet and a great person in general.

It was 16 years ago in September when he discharged from the Marine Corp, and we packed everything we had (including a pitbull and a few cats) into a 1970 Dodge pickup truck and moved from WA state to Phoenix, AZ. It was the boldest thing I'd ever done up to that point, but I knew I was safe as long as I was with him. 

We spent a couple years settling in, finding work, a home, getting married and having a kid. I recall struggles he had shortly after we moved here...struggles with leaving the Marine Corp and wondering if he had made the right choice. At the time I was too young and self-centered to truly understand what it meant for him. Now I reflect on that time in his life and have a greater appreciation for it. I wish I could have been more supportive when it mattered. 

Obviously, we aren't together anymore (hence the word "ex), and I used to declare that if it hadn't been for our son, I wouldn't have anything to do with this man. Well, I'm so very grateful that's not the case. Over the years we went through ups and downs, each of us growing up, finding ourselves and battling old demons. We each made mistakes and put the other through hell at points. But we both helped each other out as well. 

Our current situation is rather unconventional, and a lot of people say they couldn't do it. I say that I couldn't imagine NOT doing it. Billy and I live 5 minutes from each other. He has a daily relationship with our now 14 year old son, and I couldn't be happier about it. 

Not only does Billy take care of our son as if we were still together, but he is a great role model for the vast blended family we have created. I have another son from a separate relationship. His dad has since bailed on him, but Billy treats my younger son as his own. Billy has a daughter and a stepdaughter, as well as an older son back in WA. He also has a wonderful girlfriend who I adore and she has a son from her prior relationship. So we have this wonderful menagerie of little monsters. And Billy is the main father figure for all of them, regardless of blood relation. 

The kids and us are like a clan. We never worry about paying for childcare because there is always someone to watch the younger kids. Between the 3 of us, we make sure the kids get to their various activities. We work through disagreements the kids have with one another. Billy's parents still greet me with love and affection when they come to town. I get to see Billy's older son when he flies in from WA during Thanksgiving. 

To walk into Billy and Cassie's home is to walk into a chaotic vortex of young energy. There is always a whirlwind of children to greet us at the door and it takes 5 minutes to get through all the hugs. You're also greeted by the 2 pitbulls they have adopted who smother you with kisses and love. I don't know how Billy handles this energy on a daily basis, and I admire him for it. Finally, Billy's dream of publishing his writing is coming to fruition. It's been a long challenging road but it's all coming together. 

So to Billy, thank you for your service in the Marine Corp, and for becoming the man you are today. You are a hero to these kids on a daily basis, and I am very grateful to have you and Cassie in my life. I couldn't raise these boys without you. 

Progress

Amidst the whirlwind of change occurring right now, it is easy to allow the doubt to creep up and cover everything with a cloud of negativity. Of course that is the opposite of what is needed to plow through the change. Motivation and optimism are essential at a time like this. So I take a moment to ponder the progress I have made, rather than how much further I wish to go. 

I have more than doubled my emergency fund savings. And for the first time ever, I no longer live from one paycheck to the next. Simply sitting and reflecting on this accomplishment renews my motivation. Reaching those goals provides me with more happiness and security than owning a house ever could. 

For today I will enjoy what I have achieved. Perhaps tomorrow I will focus on tackling the next goal. 

Freedom from Debt

One major goal of mine for improving my life is to get out of debt. Obviously, the first step was to take an honest look at my personal net worth. How much debt do I really have? I put that off for quite some time because I was embarassed to admit it to myself. But, you can't face down a demon if you don't look at it head on. So I prepared something similar to the worksheet attached to this link.
Personal Net WorthWorksheet. My debt to asset ratio, 3:1. Yeah, extremely depressing. Currently I owe over $300,000 but my assets are worth maybe $100,000. That includes this house, which comprises 2/3 of that debt. And (this is really embarassing), I had absolutely NOTHING in savings. No emergency fund whatsoever.

One day I considered what would happen if I had a financial emergency. Most likely, I would end up losing this house and have nothing saved to take care of my kids. The best decision I've made in quite some time, was to stop paying the mortgage. Let the bank have the house. It's their fault it's such a shitty investment now, why should I carry the burden? And why should I make myself vulnerable to economic turmoil caused by these greedy corporate bastards who are never held accountable for the chaos they create? Simply put: get out of debt, provide security for yourself in case of an emergency, and you won't have issues the next time our economy goes down the drain.

Honestly though, it wasn't an easy decision. My pride and insistence on following through on obligations created quite some stress. But I was able to turn it around by realizing that my kids are my number one obligation and I'm not doing them any favors by holding on to this albatross.

Once I stopped paying the mortgage, I gained motivation to purge what we don't need. We have been cleaning out closets and the garage and finding that we don't use 75% of this crap! Letting go feels amazing, and it resets your priorities. We are selling off all sorts of stuff on Craigslist and garage sales. All that money goes towards my emergency fund. As of now, I've stashed away $1,500. We found an apartment and will move the end of October. I'm excited to think about the money we will save and how it will accelerate my ability to pay off the remainder of my debt.

So I'm tracking my progress here. I encourage everyone to take a good look at your net worth. It's a scary feat at first, but use that to motivate you to go after your dreams. Use the worksheet I posted above, or just search for "personal net worth worksheets."